1990. We live in central Alabama. She told me that her and her best friend were going to Birmingham for the weekend. Didn't think anything of it, there's lots of shopping and things to do in Birmingham. Came over Sunday night to tell me how disappointed she was in the trip. They had driven through all of the wealthier neighborhoods in Birmingham, Alabama for two days trying to find a house that matched the gates to Ozzy Osborne's house and never found it. He lives in Birmingham, England.

She refused to pay taxes, have a bank account, or pay for public transit. she told me "i change my name every few years so they cant find me". like, shed go to the *government* and change her name. legally. so the *government* couldn't find her. we broke up for other reasons, but this was the first red flag.

The night I said that I thought I smelled gas, and they grabbed a lighter and struck it without hesitation.

Pre-heats the microwave

When I asked her to hand me a kitchen knife and she threw it at me… and that’s not even the stupidest part. When I tried to explain the basics of handing someone a knife, or pair of scissors, she refused to accept that what she did was wrong or unsafe… it was suddenly apparent that she couldn’t possibly ever admit to being wrong.

When she said she loved nothing in the world more than Greek mythology, even got a degree related to Greek mythology from University of Arkansas but had no idea who Prometheus and Achilles were.

We were having an argument, although I can’t remember what about, when I very calmly asked him to explain what made him think that, and he said “I hate arguing with you because you always make me realise I’m wrong!”

He’s a Catholic, so I asked him where he thought heaven was. I’m also Catholic. He said there was the “sky, then heaven, and then space”. I asked him did NASA go through heaven on their way to space and he said “probably.” He also thought that if you were pregnant, that you still had to use contraception, or you could get pregnant again, and again, and again. For example, you fall pregnant in February, and then again in March, and again in May, and you just deliver them 9 months from conception. He’s an attorney with a 3.6 GPA law degree, and masters in law, is French, and bilingual, practising law in Ireland. Somewhat academically smart but otherwise, questionable.

She didn't know that yogurt and pudding were not the same thing. She thought it was like how the British call fries "chips". She had been eating pudding and granola for breakfast for months and congratulating herself for being so healthy. She also baked baby Jesus a birthday cake on Christmas, lit a candle and took it outside. When the wind blew the candle out, she was convinced it Jesus that blew it out.

When kids egged his car and he thought the best way to get the egg off was to use steel wool.

One night he turned to me and said "You're a bit of a scientist" (I was taking biology in high school, he was in college for music). "Can you explain how I can take frozen yogurt from the freezer, put it in the fridge, and it melts?" and I, already concerned, replied "well the fridge is warmer it's not cold enough to keep it frozen" and he the asked "but it's still cold?" and I had to explain that there are different levels of cold? Somewhere along the way I said "cold is the absence of heat like darkness is the absence of light" and he was so mind.blown by that.

My wife would bring stuff home that said “refrigerate after opening,” open it, and put it in the refrigerator.

She walked into a computer lab on campus and simply picked up a computer and walked home with it. She was living with me at the time, so I get home to find a very familiar looking computer sitting on the kitchen table. She literally thought the computers were free for students. It took a bit of explaining to convince her that she stole the computer. I made her return the computer to the lab that night, she left it at the door step.

I asked my ex-girlfriend to marry me. She said “yes.” That was when I knew. Married 25 years now. What a beautiful dope she is.

When she asked me "Have you ever had your hair set on fire"? and then lit my hair on fire. We done

We were talking about dinosaurs and he was shocked to hear they were real. Then he proceeded to ask me if they really breathed fire. He thought dinosaurs and dragons were the same thing.

She didn’t understand that you actually have to pay what you spent on credit cards. Like the credit amount she had was supposed to be her monthly limit that just resets each month

He thought you absorb a gallon of water when you shower so he didn’t need to drink water

She kept stating the big revelation of her story with “lord and behold” instead of “lo and behold”. I told her she was using the wrong word, but I was the idiot because you behold the lord. Anyways, lord and behold - she f****d five other dudes, so we’re on a more than temporary break.

She got thrown out from a bar and nearly arrested because another woman complimented my shirt and she was convinced that meant she wanted to bang me.

My ex wanted to start a business making supplies for baby showers. Her business plan was to sell everything below cost to to increase sales. After I had explained numerous times that you cannot profit from a business that will inevitably lose money her reply was that I was the idiot because if she sold them cheap it would drum up more business and she would sell more that way.

She told me Apple Music was “b******t” because it only had covers of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”, and not the original.

When she was choosing random pills from the blister of a "21 active + 7 placebo" contraceptive, instead of following the arrows on the package.

When she told me “she doesn’t believe in so-called ‘professionals’. They’re just normal everyday people like me. What more could they know.” She was the “my daddy’s a heart surgeon so I’m basically one also” type chicks. Every few months or so I reflect on how grateful I am that she never got pregnant.

"Where does the sun go at night?" I was dumbfounded.

When my ex asked me where they grew spaghetti.

One day they looked at me and said "we should make a trip to New York!" I said I think that would be fun but we really don't have the money to fly there right now. "It's not that far." ... We lived in Portland Oregon at the time... "New York is next to Canada, and Canada is just past Washington, it can't be that far away!"

Doing a “fun fact about me” icebreaker in a group and his was I’ve never read a book.

Calls me at work because her crumpets don't fit in the crumpet tray under the toaster... crumpet tray ?!? Had a look when i got home, clearly labelled "CRUMB TRAY"

After her third "business opportunity" turned out to be another pyramid scheme. We didn't date long but knew each other for a while before that. I liked her for her "work hard, get paid" attitude. Turns out the hard work she was doing was costing her waaay more than she made, and didn't realize it.

He could not find our country on Europe's map. The countries were written in bold, and the capitals too.

My ex-wife. The doctor said her test came back positive & she said "does that mean I'm not pregnant?" I knew at that moment I was in for a long ride.

Stacking cups... In the dishwasher